One of the greatest desires in a human being is the desire to change and book shelves are full of books trying to tell us how to change our lives if we wish to. But like a lot of modern pop psychology the results often fall far short of the theory. Why?
The one thing that is often left out of instructional training is the recognition of why we are the way we are in the first place. What most people don't know is that they behave as they do for certain very sound and deeply ingrained reasons. In fact most of the actions we take and the choices we make are entirely automatic and usually below our conscious awareness.
So when it comes to trying to take an action to change me I am immediately in conflict between the old automatic behaviour and the new unfamiliar one. So the intense pull of the old ideas and behaviours can be extremely difficult to break.
No matter what we may think about our ability to change and adapt, human beings are really creatures of habit and habit is something that is formed after practice. We are creatures of habit for a reason. How often do we hear that young children need continuity and a sense of security to properly grow and develop? So habit and familiarity are really necessary tools for survival and we learn to form habits on our mother's knee.
The problem arises when we need to change old habits that are no longer useful to us. So when I attempt to change me I encounter very intense resistance from the instincts. The desire to change me inevitably arises as the result of my desire to have a different life experience and the need to let go of ideas and behaviours that I now recognise are not serving me well in getting my needs met.
If you take the example of addicts, people who are powerless over a particular habit, it is well recognised that the ones who enjoy the most success in recovery are those who are sick and tired of being sick and tired. In this condition their WILLINGNESS to practise a new behaviour is then more powerful than the instinct to rely on the old behaviour. So WILLINGNESS is the key.
Willingness comes from the will. Unconditional willingness to practise the new behaviour irrespective of the pull of the instincts towards the old habit, will lead inevitably to a personality change as the thinking and perceptions catch up with the new actions. That is the basis of the insight, 'move a muscle and change your thinking'. If you know the action to take, it is necessary to act first and the new thinking will follow. As you keep practising the new way of behaving, this will progressively become the new habit and the initial conflict and resistance will lessen and gradually die.
As we all know only too well, our New Year's resolutions tend to fail at the first hurdle. Most people cannot summon the willingness necessary to sustain their efforts in the face of their own internal resistance. A resolution only becomes a decision when action is taken, no matter how small that action may seem at first. An intense and determined onslaught of the will is unnecessary. A relaxed acceptance that the old way is past and the new behaviour will be adhered to under all conditions will truly win the day. To grasp and develop the practise of the new behaviour is the key to authentic change.
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